Crossdressing Experience : My sexuality

Please read my previous post about my "crossdressing experience: young age" before proceeding with this post.

Well,since young,I can mix and mingle along very well with both girls and guys.
But most of the time,I was being more well-accepted into the girls group as I seldom go for sports such as football or basketball.
I am the quiet and soft type of guy.

Some of my friends use to call me a sissy when I was in Form 1 because of my friend groups which is consist of all girls except me. And I do look a bit girlish. I was at around 160cm when I was in Form 1,slim boy and have a fair skin.

Though I am a crossdresser, I used to be straight and have a thing towards girls,I mean,in the sense of romantic preference.
But I was rejected by a girl when I was in Form 3 because she said I was not man enough.
And the same year,another girl again rejected me.
So,since then,I have fear in having relationship with girls.
Not just relationship though. I even fear to mix with my gang of female friends anymore because both these girls are from the same gang.

So,I isolated myself.
I was sad at that time and then one of my guy classmate noticed and comforted me.

Me and him has never speak much before because I was never in a guy gang. But he's kind and friendly.
Well,his name is Joshua. He tried to bring me into his gang by inviting me always into their activities such as basketball,bowling and etc.
But I have never really able to make bonds with his friends. I was just able to be friend with him.

I MSN with him online always during that time. And we even exchanged songs through MSN.
Then share secrets together. As days goes by,me and him become closer and secretly,I started to have a crush on him.

Our conversation has been normal all the time.
Until there's a time,where he started asking me about "masturbation" and things which are more personal. Then, he asked me about how I feel about relationship and things like that. Things started to develop differently.

Well, he's a straight guy but he has never have a girlfriend before.
He's not too tall but he's a smart guy. He's not too good in tackling girls.
And guess what? He actually asked me for advices in courting girls because he said I used to be able to mix well with girls.

Then,I told him I am not good at courting girls as well. I am just able to mix with them maybe because of my softer personality.

He eventually told me that I do look a bit like a girl. But not in a discriminated way. He said that I would be pretty if I was a girl.

And here,I told him my secret as a crossdresser.
He was shocked at first,but he can actually accept it. I jokingly told him that I can dress as a girl and show up to him if he really wants. He said he 'd like to see it too if got chance.

A few days after our PMR exam, he told me he wanted to "date" me. He said he would like to see how I would look like if I am in female clothings. I was a bit afraid that time cause that's the first time I am going out as a "girl" in teenage age.

So,I took some of my sister's clothes and bring over to his place to wear before going out.
During our first date, I wear a purple colour dress with my sister's sandals. I wore a long straight hair wig which I bought secretly during Form 1 for my crossdressing purpose.

He said I was pretty,and ask me whether I wanna be his "girlfriend" temporary. I said "yes".
We then go to Timesquare indoor theme park to play. And we also went to watched movie.
It was the first time I am wearing a girl's clothes and going out with a GUY.
And we even kissed on each others' lips on our first date.

We didn't do anything sexually. But I myself actually have the intention of doing "it".
From that date itself,I realized I loved him and I realized I am actually a woman trapped inside a feminine man's body.

That's how our relationship begins. We were like brothers when in school. Then occasionally during holidays,we may go out dating as a couple whereby I dressed up as a girl.
Things were going great. And during one night when we were in Form 5,I actually have done the first oral sex for him at his room in his house. I tasted his semen and I love the salty taste of it.

We have occasionally had oral sex and I have never really get naked in front of him for this kind of pleasure.
He eventually asked for anal sex with me. I was willing to offer.
But reality can be cruel sometimes,he saw my penis and then he felt disgusted.
That day when he asked for sex,he asked for a break-up in relationship with me as well...

Ever since then, he has never called me out for a date or called me out for oral pleasure.
But I knew I have to accept this kind of fate,because not all guy can accept a crossdresser as his partner,especially in sex.

But I too believed I can't live as a man because I don't really love women.
I knew all I need is a man.

Till now,I am still searching for that man to appear into my life.